grubbing around

I am sitting in a beer garden in the late afternoon, its hot out there but shady and pleasant under the dappled light here – a small pot of beer is placed before me, the amber twinkles and shines – there is nothing else to drink and i start sipping at it before the horror sinks in that oh god – i am going to have to tell my sponsor and i will need to go through a gruelling 90 first days again. Im not even enjoying this beer. I stop drinking and i wake up – what an awful dream! It felt so damn real!!!

It was a good reminder that I need to stay vigilant and it also demonstrates that I cant remain sober without the accountability of my fellowship. Its weird – the group its totally based on trust and honesty and any of us could so easily be pissing up and pretending to be sober, but whats the point in that? I have not always been trustworthy and honest in the past, but in this new program – i feel totally committed. Its probably a selfish thing underlying it all – here is a program where i have been totally accepted and not judged and I am being given a chance to live life on life’s terms, all this support and encouragement feels so good to me.

I need to put sobriety first and foremost. Sobriety in the past was something quickly cast aside in order that i might ‘deal’ with my problems, now sobriety whacks me in the face everyday in fresh and interesting as well as difficult and boring ways. Sobriety is a tough gig. At moments I wish i was some kind of larval form that needs to spend an awful long time buried in the nice moist dark earth, interacting with no-one and nothing, until ready to crawl out and be some wonderful winged creature – but no – larval form i am, and struggle i must, above ground and with everyone and everything daily, and geez i must look juicy to those predators out there – but im not for the eating, not today anyway!