Each day cant be brilliant. I cant find a revelation, an inspiration every day; that would be nuts. Sitting with the feeling of ordinary is something i need to become accustomed to. Days are what they are – just days.
I feel like I’m becoming a revelation junkie. I’ve learnt so much in the past 90 days about myself and why i am the way i am. I have been enraptured at finding other people that are like me, people that dont judge me, and my mind is literally blown away at finding that there is a program of action which involves a spiritual journey to understanding myself and others and the possibility that i might find out what im here for, or at least find some peace with myself.
Finding some peace with myself involves being ok with ordinary days. Finding satisfaction in small things, such as a peaceful home, the kids in bed and the dishes done. I dont need any more than that right now. I can feel the old me irritable, irrational and discontent lurking and it is with much effort that i have to continually stop and recognise those feelings and ask my higher power to help me let them go. I know that I was a person fouled in emotions of excitement, anger, anxiety or depression at any given moment of the day, and the best emotion for others around me for a short time anyway was excitement and it was easy to get me there – just hand me a drink. So I have become excited by recovery, but this is not sustainable. When the excitement abates there is a bit of a void – some might call it quietness, but i know that there is fear underlying waiting to snap quietness off at the legs and lead me back into negative thinking. writing helps so much.
casting shadows, blocked walls and long tunnels
a-maze-ment at each step, sharp corner, intake breath, shards of bright burning light, fear plunging a hand to me,
behind is no way out but forward is nowhere to be seen.
i need a bench to sit and rest; wait till my courage has grown and belief in the path is stronger. pausing a restless leaf dangles through the light wafting down a scent of life. there is no need to rush
The Red Shoes 